Slow week, here are the highlights
I went up to a 0-guage PA. But took it out after a couple days. I was not ready to go up...the stretch was too painful. :(
Took Alpha to dinner to celebrate his new job. The steakhouse was doing a wine tasting, after 7-glasses I was very drunk.
Annnnnnnd at long last, my missing Fantastic Plastic Machine albums! This includes his rare work for UNIQLO, classic Shibuya-kei style house from early in his career, and some rave music from the end of his career. Only three tracks in and am delighted.
Drove 4-hours south to catch the total eclipse on Lincoln Beach. I had my eclipse glasses, welders glass for my camera, was avidly checking the weather forecast for clouds, and backup viewing locations planned. I was ready.
When the eclipse started, I captured it with my 300mm telephoto and a piece of welder's glass to prevent my sensor from being destroyed.
...but, as the eclipse progressed, fog rolled in and cut visibility. It was still visible, but had become so obscured that I no longer needed a lens filter to capture it.
At the moment of total eclipse, I switched to long exposure, high-ISO to capture this. My camera couldn't capture the corona of the sun, but it was visible with the naked eye. Incredible.
My bulk is going quite well. After one week on this myostatin inhibitor and PED-MGF, I'm up 10lbs. This is exceptional growth for me. Hopefully I can keep my calories up and continue the growth. I have enough Myostatin inhibitor to last me a couple months...
Tank and I tried reconnecting last week.
I don't have a very strong sense of security with him. He's betrayed my trust and hurt me very badly...but, I can't deny that I still love him very much, and his recent gesture of wanting a clean slate was very helpful.
We've met a couple times to talk and figure things out. My therapist is encouraging some boundaries, which I'm calling "tank portion control." What this means is he needs to be honest and respectful and I'm limiting our time together until we can have a couples' therapy session.
Our first session isn't until September, so he's been working hard to show he can be trusted, that he respects and values me. Tank is doing a good job...but, I am still fearful of past behaviour.
Solo-therapy has been very enlightening.
As a child, I was raised between multiple divorced families, never lived in the same place for more than a year, and changed schools a few times. My normal was constant change
. Parental figures were my blueprint for how love and affection worked, but they never stayed in my life very long. I would work very hard to earn their attention and affection when I sensed they were on their way out, then blamed myself when they left. This wasn't sustainable, and I attempted suicide a couple times in highschool from my percieved deficiencies.
As an adult, I'm attracted to this same instability. It still isn't sustainable. I don't think this is healthy.
Recognizing the pattern in therapy is how I'll break free of it. I just gotta keep to my boundaries. No compromising. *deep breath*