Self medicating, part 2
Today I had the best workout of my life.
After two sets of 495lbs for 6 reps, I felt confident enough to attempt 585lbs. I didn't exactly complete my set... But the resulting endorphin rush was exceptional.
My mind was completely blank. I could not even force myself to think. Every stressor of my life gone and replaced with absolute bliss. I imagine this is what Nirvana feels like. Without the burdens of my constant, nagging anxiety, I realized just how long it has been since I had clarity. I started crying. Laughing and crying.
This lasted for at least 30 minutes before I sobered up from my lift when Tank checked into the gym.
Horrible comedown though. Doctor says it's probably not my heart meds making me upset. I am impatient with therapy and the natural progression of grief.
Things that aren't working
to address my post relationship depression:
- Typical antidepressants (hurts my creativity, which is bad for my profession)
- Recreational drugs (not a responsible option)
- Exotic research chemicals (mixed results, not sustainable)
- Lifting really, really heavy (only temporarily satisfying)
- Kicking ass at work (like, I'm killing it, and I just feel empty)
- International travel (getting expensive)
The "What kind of relationship depression are you?" quiz in the back of Psychology Today suggests I should try replacing that feeling by cultivating my platonic relationships.
So, determined to attack the issue, I overloaded my social calendar.
First, lil pup came to stay with us. We did dinner, gym, shopping, barbecuing on the roof deck. I'm delighted to hear about his budding love life in California, and missed his laugh.
Next, we grabbed dinner with Chris and Cody. Barely got to hangout with Cody whilst in Ptown, but was happy to catch up over burgers.
Joe and Dale wanted to show off their new smoker with some tritip and brisket. These two are delightful, high quality men. I spent much of dinner trying to sell them on joining us for a cruise in New Zealand.
XL Bear Pool Party
Intimate platonic dinners were going well, I decided to escalate to a larger social event: the local bear pool party.
I wore a modest, neon pink thong.
The salt water pool provided extra buoyancy and was a very relaxing retreat from Seattle's weirdly hot summer. After the diving board, I took advantage of the golden hour light and took some photos.
In the same way that learning a new language expands your thinking through new words and concepts, I believe learning photography has expanded how I see.
I realized this last night while looking at how the light bounced off walls, where colors were in perfect contrast, and organizing my perspective against the rule of thirds.
If what you see is a stage, what I see now is everything just off stage: the lighting, grips, props, etc. Learning photography I'm no longer the audience, but the director.
There were lots of handsome and friendly bears at the party.
I've used photography as an icebreaker in the past, and tried to photograph folks that seemed interested in being photographed. When I got back to my phone, my Facebook had exploded with a few dozen friend requests and messages...everyone was very excited to see how the pics turned out.
Socializing can be frustrating because I'm terrible at cold opens, have poor social skills, and am a chronic introvert. Nevertheless, as the acting event photographer, I had a new motivation that gave me unfettered access to the A-list bears of Seattle.
I'm going to see how far I can take this.
Riding the wave of socializing momentum, the pups and I prepared for Vancouver Pride. I was feeling leather
, so I pulled a couple vintage Slick It Up looks. Ended up wearing the horseman harness (below).
I met up with @musclemonkeh
and his pup at the Davie's Street Fair and later we met up at DJ Kitty Glitter's Rapture party.
Rapture and some terrible after hours party
Venue: The Commodore Ballroom
DJ: DJ Kitty Glitter
Party stack: 240mg M, 4800mg Piracetam, 800mg Choline, 250mg caffeine, 30mg K
DJ Kitty Glitter was exceptional, as always.
She was the original reason for our entire trip to Vancouver after last year's fantastic party at XYVVR...a tiny little upstairs drag bar. This year, she was headlining the largest venue as the main event.
The venue appears to be used for boxing matches, but converts nicely to a discotheque. The lighting was unfortunate, very sparse, and ultimately dragged the entire party down.
I got the Piracetam + Choline combination perfect this time, which potentiated the effects of everything else I was taking. Then I screwed everything up and decided to try something new.
I had been researching this substance for a while, weighing the pros/cons as a long-acting anti-depressant, short-term party supplement. I was feeling overly confident and decided to take 30mg.
I do not remember most of the evening.
I have blurry photos of me flagging with (the very well dressed) @musclemonkeh, and a vague recollection of the events during the evening. When the time dilation effects wore off, I found myself at an after hours party. Rosabel was playing very hard, dark, techno at the back of a highschool auditorium. Immediately sober, I hailed us a taxi and went back to our hotel.
Never doing that combination again.
Recovery at Wreck Beach
We joined some of our new Vancouver friends at Wreck Beach for a relaxing post-party recovery day.
No photography on the beach meant I only got these photos (above) while hiking down to the "Gay" section.
Wreck was an idyllic nudist paradise. The back of the beach was lined with vendors selling food, massages, alcohol infused popsicles, and psychedelic chocolates.
As an official nude beach (many nude beaches are not legal), there were attendants working the entrance near the toilets and showers. Sand was coarse, but devoid of rocks, while the water was calm and refreshing.
Wreck immediately joined my other two favourite nude beaches: Lady Bay in Sydney and Secrets in Kauai.
I stood speechless before our Vancouver friends taking the entire beach in. I tried to explain how I was raised by nudists, how special this place felt, but I was distracted by a nude game of volleyball.
Perfect Social Combo
The evening concluded with a brief friend visit to the Pumpjack, a leather-ish gay bar in Vancouver's Gay Village.
We had gone the entire weekend without seeing our friends Anuar and Colin, who were busy performing during Pride. I'd been internet friends with Anuar for a couple years, first finding him on Tumblr and now we were finally connecting offline.
I was a bit self conscious over my hungover state, but meeting them and their group of friends perked me up quickly. We were able to get a quiet corner of the bar to socialize. I actually got to *meet* these men in a bar and connect. Not something I'm used to doing in otherwise loud, crowded bars.
I think I was doing okay this week.
Overloading myself with social activities is a good distraction, but not necessarily a solution to my depression. I think I need closure with Tank to really move on.
After our fallout last month (I wasn't ready to talk and reminding him of his shortcomings pushed him away), I tried extending an olive branch via text and chat, but he's rejected it.
I'm interpreting this as "fuck you, let's never talk again." Which was the original plan. It is also a reminder that I wasn't important to him, that he used me, that I need to move on just as he has.
So I executed something I'd been holding off on: I'm getting the rent he owes me.
He's made it clear he has no desire to fix things and continues to spread hurtful gossip about me, so there's no reason to let him run off with thousands of dollars in unpaid bills. I filed a small claims case and had him served. We'll be settling this in court next month.
I wonder how this will impact me emotionally next month.