Noodles and Beef

hipcubsf asks:
What's it like arranging a big move with a family as large as yours?

Number of moving-to-a-new-city-related breakdowns I’ve had since signing the job offer: 2

thepupupthere asks:
I've decided to read through all 52WeeksOfKink posts, so you might get A LOT of asks as I catch up! Sir and I will be setting aside one day per week to try new things or to revisit existing kinks to push our boundaries further.

I need to pick that project up again…it got derailed by my wedding :(

There have been a LOT of asks about my personal experience with:

  • Saline expansion
  • Ball stretching
  • Pumping
  • Body modification so extreme, that it requires access to extremely illegal clandestine medical facilities and drugs so experimental you get them reconstituted by a biotech company in Moldova
  • Gourmet play
  • Macrophilia
Anonymous asks:
Hi! I am a foreigner, I live in Uruguay in South America; I follow you because I am and admirer of you and your "pets" but I am totally ignorant ( I am so shame about this but I need to be totally sincerely) about yout relationship with your "pets", really I am not understand what kind of relationship is, I mean are you boyfriends? or husbands? or friends? or what? could you explain to me, please? sorry for me english, I speak spanish in my daily life and I need improve my english; thanks!!

Hierarchical poly-fidelity total power exchange style relationships can be hard to explain, even to people who speak English.  So here’s a GIF that accurately summarizes our relationship:

Want more words?  Here’s a very thorough explanation of my relationship, with diagrams and bios.
Anonymous asks:
Were your calves always big? What would you suggest to bulk up legs, especially calves?

The chart above shows my average calf measurement and bodyweight over the last 10 years.

I’ve gained over 100 pounds of muscle and my calves haven’t really changed much.

If you believe my calves are big now, then yes, they have always been “big” because they haven’t changed much since I started bodybuilding.

Calf size and shape is largely determined by genetics. There is no advice I can give here.

Anonymous asks:
Related to the concerned European. Though you consume from eco farms when possible, isn't it true that those farms can't be scaled to meet global demand? Or to rephrase, if every person on earth consumed eco farm food, what would the land, water, material, and energy use be? I remember reading that those practices, while being better certainly, still don't solve the problem. This isn't meant as an attack on your lifestyle by any means, I eat food from far less sustainable options than you.

The problem is overpopulation.  Factory farming, GMOs, etc, all exist to meet the demand of feeding billions of people.

I use eco consumerism to minimize my impact on the environment in a system that is completely broken.  This is not a solution that will save the Earth.  It will only delay the inevitable doom.

There really isn’t a solution.  The Earth is warming faster than ever, species are disappearing every day, 30 Rock ended prematurely, there is no turning back.

The good news?  Biosystems always find a way of achieving homeostasis.  The problem will eventually sort itself out.

The bad news?  Humans are the problem.  In correcting this equilibrium, the vast majority of human population will be culled as Earth becomes inhospitable for us.

Anonymous asks:
Fascinating blog; I must say. We have a question here in Europe however. 'How many earths would we need if everyone lived like the average American?' Sometimes when reading you blog I can't help noticing you fly constantly around the globe, consume the most incredibly rich and glutinous foods at an alarming pace, incessantly buy new shoes, clothes, sex toys and everything in between. Have you ever wondered on its effect? Yours, a concerned European.

I am single-handedly destroying the world through eating food.

…actually, if you read through my blog you’ll see I try to practice responsible eco consumerism.  I don’t buy that many clothes, I only own one pair of shoes, and the food I eat is sourced from sustainable farms (when possible).

I don’t believe it’s possible for a single human to provide a net positive effect on the environment (we must all practice eco consumerism), but I am consciously trying to make responsible decisions to mitigate my impact.

That being said, it’s rather arrogant for “concerned European” to ask this question considering the poor environmental state of Europe.  Except for Norway and Russia, there are no old growth forests in Europe because of how you live.  The rich and glutinous foods you’re accusing me of eating were invented in Europe.  And don’t even get me started on your air pollution problems.

gayblkworld asks:
Hey while ur Oz how do you avoid the foods& drinks that are high in fat and sugar when they're so tempting?.

Desserts at high tea in Melbourne, Australia with tank and his family.

I don’t really like sweets, so that wasn’t a problem.  Just avoided them when possible, or ate a little when it would be impolite to refuse.

Fat isn’t bad for you, so that wasn’t a problem either.

Anonymous asks:
About the pumping - when is enough, enough? Is the aim to turn yourselves into cartoon characters à la Tom of Finland?

I’m pretty happy with my size.  I won’t be growing any bigger.

I’ll probably continue ball stretching though.  I still want super low hangers and they’re just not there yet.

pup-snuggles asks:
Hello noodlesandbeef, are you a pup like me? I see you posted a few pics of Sirius pup and wanted to ask. :-)

If you look carefully at the photos of me from the Sydney Mardi Gras parade, you’ll see I’m not wearing any puppy play gear.  I was a guest handler for their parade float (which I briefly wrote about here).

In the context of my relationship, I use “pup” as a friendlier synonym for “slave.”  

I don’t consider puppy play one of my kinks, but I can appreciate the submissive feeling I receive as a handler from well-behaved pups.

joeth77 asks:
Hi Dylan, Just wondering where you get your collars from? My new collar is too big to wear 24/7, and the smaller ones in the UK that I've found are not good quality and end up giving me a rash (I assume nickel allergy). Any advice? -Joe

Picking a hypoallergenic collar for your sub

My previous guide to buying a collar is out of date and not very helpful.  It doesn’t even address hypoallergenic options.  There have been tremendous advancements in collar technology in past two years since I wrote it.

HUGE advancements in collar technology.


Hypoallergenic Collars

Pup beef / @innerbear​ has a metal allergy.  Found out the day after I collared him when he woke up with a rash under the collar.  (Sidebar: This was an incredibly embarrassing, rookie-Dom mistake; I should’ve known because he reacted to the hardware in his leather harness).

Most folks are allergic to the nickel used in cheap chrome plating.  There aren’t allergy safety requirements in America for metals, so finding hypoallergenic jewelry can be a little difficult.  But for folks like @joeth77 who live in Europe, nickel-free jewelry is labeled with the “EU nickel directive.”  Just search for that.

Without proper labeling in America, it is possible to buy something advertised as “hypoallergenic” but is an alloy that still contains nickel…which would still cause an allergic reaction.

My best option was to buy a selection of chains, cut them to size using bolt cutters, and have beef test them for reaction.  We’re having success with a titanium chain and brass padlock.


Stainless Steel

With over 100+ alloys of stainless steel, there are only a couple that meet the EU nickel directive: 430 and XC45.  The chemical composition or alloy is rarely listed on Amazon, so I gave up.  Don’t even bother.

If the allergy isn’t so bad, you can use the very common 304 alloy, used in dog collars.  Highly recommended product link here.  Just, please be a decent Dom and cut the giant O-rings off before collaring your sub.



Pros: Hypoallergenic, rarely mixed with nickel, and easy to find.
Cons: Very expensive, hard to find in thick gauges, light-weight does not convey feeling of ownership. 

Here are some options:


White Gold and Platinum

Pros: Hypoallergenic, easy to find, many styles exist
Cons: even more expensive than titanium. 

I can’t really provide much advice here, so here’s an amazon link to white gold search and one for platinum


Non-metal options

I really like the cable collars from RECON EUROPE.  About £24 - £30.  The metal cable is wrapped in clear rubber, which most folks aren’t allergic.

Anonymous asks:
How did tanks balls and penis get so big? Was he always like that or is it a pill or workout that makes your testicles and penis bigger?

“Magic Pills” is one of the worst growth tropes.  How about:

Anonymous asks:
What is a way to tell you are really pushing yourself when you workout? When you keep going that rep when your muscle starts to hurt or tighten, or past that? I ask since am not sure am pushing myself.

If you are unsure if you’re pushing yourself hard enough, then you are not pushing yourself hard enough.