Noodles and Beef

hairybearsbeardsbellies asks:
Question, what is your fav Pre-Workout drink?!

What’s a good pre-workout?

  • Makes you focused, alert, and improves performance. (Stimulants).
  • Preferentially sends blood to muscle tissue to help with recovery and give a good pump. (NO Boosters).

I used to use convenient powdered pre-workouts like hyper shock (highly recommended) or mesomorph (please don’t use, it was pulled by the FDA because it contained meth-like stimulants).  But, these things are just expensive formulations of stimulants and NO Boosters.  Its easier to just buy caffeine tablets, L-Arginine, Creatine, and drink beet juice.

Here’s my current pre-workout:

  • 1 cup of cold brew kona coffee (served black over ice).
  • 2.5mg of tadalafil

Coffee is super cheap and effective stimulant and tadalafil is an extremely potent NO booster with minimal side effects.  Tadalafil requires a prescription in America, but is a very popular black market drug. You should try to get it legally, but if you can’t, beet juice is a really good alternative.

Anonymous asks:
Hey there, Noodles! I wanted to ask you - I'm working on exercise lately and I think I have all my stuff in order, but there's one thing I want that nobody really addresses - I find the idea of a musclegut fascinatingly attractive, especially on me. Do you have any tips for making one happen?

Left: normal midsection, Right: musclegut

The “Muscle Gut” is caused by taking too much growth hormone for too long.

Chemical bodybuilders use growth hormone to cause hyperplasia (growth of brand new muscle cells) and fat loss.  GH is relatively safe, but it causes everything to grow, not just muscles.  Over time, your organs begin to grow and push your belly outwards.

The musclegut you find fascinatingly attractive?  Its caused by bloated internal organs.  Please don’t do this to yourself.

Anonymous asks:
Could you give a chubby guy some information on supplements and or other things to help him look like your godliness? Preferably relatively easy on the wallet and available at national stores?

HIIT cardio, cyclical ketogenic diet, and weight training will help you lose weight. 

You shouldn’t rely on supplements to do the work for you.

But let’s say you did. 

Let’s say you wanted to lose weight without proper diet or exercise. How would you do that?

Disclaimer: this will kill you, do not do this.

The all chemical weight loss cocktail you shouldn’t try

  1. Ephedra + Caffeine + Asprin
    These work together to prolong and increase the thermogenic effects of ephedra. You can easily lose 20lbs on just this stack. It will ruin your liver and endocrine system forever.

  2. AOD9604 (GH fragment 176-191) 
    This is a synthetic growth hormone fragment that is 12-times better at regulating fat metabolism but without the adverse effects on insulin sensitivity or cell proliferation. It will give you cancer.

  3. T3 (Cytomel) + Clenbuterol
    T3 is the hormone your thyroid makes to increase your metabolism, it works synergistically with Clenbuterol (an asthma medicine) to max out your metabolism and increase fat lipolysis. Taking these together will make you lose weight. It will also destroy your heart.

It is really fascinating to me all the ways we have to get rid of fat cells and the calculated risk people take by doing so.  Your best bet is actually very simple (diet + exercise), but requires patience.

My nootropic stack (supplements to improve mood, focus, and creativity) is currently:

Lets talk about that last one.

Piracetam reminds me of an eugeroic (wakefulness drug) I used to take that gave me anger spells, only instead of rage I’m feeling incredibly…sexual?  Lets look up the side effects on wikipedia:

Side effects include: Hyperkinesia, increased libido, and hyper sexuality.

Well then!  This explains my restless leg!  Hello, favourite new supplement.  Lets hope this one doesn’t break my heart like that other aphrodisiac.

Anonymous asks:
Are you doing something to enhance your bulge? It' looks big these days and yet I came across this image from nasty-pig-hogwash-during-my-visit-to-nyc-I which looks like it's from a different person. What gives?!

Actually, my package shrank because I was taking supplements that affected my natural hormone balance.  Once I stopped things returned to their normal size.

When steroids became controlled substances, supplement manufacturers started selling modified versions of the chemical that were just different enough to be considered legal supplements.  These “designer steroids” were typically pro-hormones…precursor molecules that your liver would convert into powerful steroids.

The American supplement industry is very poorly regulated.  I was aware of the side effects and legality of steroids, but was unaware that some of the supplements I was taking contained pro-hormones that my body converted into steroids.  Even my daily vitamin, Animal Pak, contained 4-androstenediol (4-AD), a pro-hormone that the liver converted into testosterone.

When I learned pro-hormones were just as bad for you as steroids, I stopped taking them immediately, but the damage had already been done.  My testosterone level was that of an 85-year-old man, I had no sex drive, and my balls had shriveled into raisins.

Thankfully, these side effects were temporary and easily reversed.  I restored my testosterone levels with legal supplements, experimented with drugs that overclocked my sex drive, and my balls are back to their original lemon size.

Pro-hormones were amended to the Controlled Substances Act in 2004, but the supplement industry is still very poorly regulated.  Many supplements still contain illegal and dangerous chemicals.  

  • In 2010, Consumer Reports found that Muscle Milk contained arsenic, cadmium, and lead in dangerous levels.
  • In 2012, was fined $7,000,000 for knowingly selling supplements that secretly contained steroids.  
  • In 2013, pre-workout drink Mesomorph was pulled from shelves for containing a stimulant similar to meth.

The lesson here is to research and test your supplements…or your package might shrink.