I think Sir Dylan, @noodlesandbeef, gave the best, succinct advice on this subject: “Do the things you love to do and you’ll attract meaningful friends and relationships who share those interests.”
Since this is my blog and not Sir’s, you’re going to get my long-ass-winded-self response, but that’s the heart of it. You should read Sir’s post first.
Pretty much everyone I know who endlessly laments about being single isn’t passionate about anything. Sir is right that they are single in part because they don’t really meet interesting people and aren’t that interesting themselves. But there’s another, physiological reason why they’re single.
Strong feelings connect people, even when the feelings don’t have anything to do with the person. This is called “Misattribution of Arousal”. In one of my favourite studies, two people met on a bridge above rushing water. They were scared and excited by the water, so they were attracted to each other. Literally, that’s it.
When you’re passionate about something—when it gets your heart rate up and your blood racing—you’re more likely to connect, and so are they.
For example, when I met my pup ~3 years ago at a rugby tournament, I was out on the field playing rugby, and he was singing the national anthem in front of a crowd, both activities we’re passionate about and that get our blood flowing. We were both physiologically aroused when we locked eyes, and when I jogged over to him and kissed him hard without saying a word, all of our respective passions for singing and rugby went into that kiss—and there’s no way they couldn’t.
Now here’s where I disagree with Sir. I don’t think it’s shallow to say, “I’m only sexually interested in chubby guys.” After all, if that were true, bisexuals could call me shallow for only being interested in men! (Well, some do, actually, but that’s beside the point.) You’re no shallow if you’re only sexually attracted to one type; you’re shallow if you’re only emotionally invested in people of your type. I love many women and skinny guys. I love them with all my heart, and I don’t care what type they are. The people who think I’m shallow for having a type are themselves shallow because the only type of love they can fathom is romantic love (footnote#1). There’s so many types of love, and the more we love, regardless of type, the better people we’ll be.
Certainly, because of the Misattribution of Arousal, sometimes we find ourselves sexually interested in people who aren’t our type. One of my best friends (who’s also with benefits) is a 110-pound chaser.
We love debating and arguing together, which always gets our heart rates up and us physiologically aroused, which then translates into sexual arousal, and then we fuck. He doesn’t want photos on Tumblr, but if you’re on heftynet you can look up MisterFan and see photos of us together in underwear. But the fact that I have a chaser FWB doesn’t make me non-shallow; the fact that we instantly became awesome friends who care for each other despite my initial lack of attraction does.
So, the next question is, what are chubby guys passionate about? How do you physiologically arouse a chubby guy? Well, any passion can do it, but in my experience, chubby guys tend to have non-standard passions. He’s what chubby guys seem to be disproportionately interested in: food (esp. baking (”never trust a skinny chef” is mostly true, though a really good friend of mine is a skinny chef who eats about 4000 calories a day, so he’s OK)), games (ones that get you physiologically aroused around the other person, like board games, not ones where you’re separate from people when passionate, like MMOs), politics and intellectual topics (especially history, for some reason), genre fiction, sci-fi television, and the like. The most important thing is to find your passion, yes, but, if you’re like me, there are SO MANY things you could be passionate about, but you’ve only got ~80 short years to explore it (seriously, how do people get bored? I could live 5 lifetimes and never be bored, still not having mastered everything I’m passionate about). So if you are interested in something that chubby guys are generally more interested in than normal, follow that passion first ;)
The other thing I disagree with Sir about is that I think he was going to the wrong events. Bears who like chasers don’t go to bear runs, which are for bears who like bears. Bears who like chasers go to chub/chaser and bear/chaser events, like Convergence, which has a Mr. Chaser contest, for example. Or they go to Gromoffs, where a lot of gainers like the idea of fattening up a skinny guy or being fattened up by a skinny guy.
I know many bears who only like chasers, and they go to these types of events, not bear runs.
In other words, go to events that not only have the people you’re interested in, but that have people who’d be interested in you.
The smaller the population of people you are interested in, the harder you have to look. I, for example, am exclusively interested in people who are passionate, who are big (or want to get big), who enjoy adventure and new experiences, who love debate and discussion, and who want to spend the rest of their life in complete submission to my will (or, depending on our chemistry, make me submit to their will for the rest of my life, and have me as the Alpha pup to Kai). That’s a very, very small population! If/when my pup and I make our triad, we’re probably going to have to import him, so we need to go to events where we’re likely to find people we’d be interested in.
But first and foremost, we need to follow our passions, because that’s what connects us. Passion always comes first.
Footnote#1: I’m not calling Sir shallow here. It could be read that way, but that’s not my intention at all. He’s not thinking I’m shallow, after all. Also, Sir has demonstrated many types of love for many types of people.
The other thing I disagree with Sir about is that I think he was going to the wrong events.