I am your host, Noodles and Beef, and welcome to my blog. It's my creative dumping ground and journal. I post work from my photo projects, sketches from my notepad, and infographics from my research. Sometimes I write about my body dysmorphia but more often I post photos of my butt. I am in a D/s relationship with two wonderful pups. Your hair looks amazing today.

Anyway, thanks for reading my blog, I hope you enjoy it!

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A couple days ago, I wrote a post about how Chuck and I first met and befriended each other.  Chuck felt my version wasn’t very accurate and has sent me a rebuttal, which I’ve posted below:
Dear Noodles and Beef, 
Hi, this is your best friend, Chuck - long-time reader, first-time writer. I couldn’t help but notice that you posted a response to a recent question asking how we met. Naturally, I’m always honored to be included in some way on your blog. However, I feel like you may have inadvertently missed a few key details about our meeting and subsequent torrid friendship that I’d like to clear up.
(Cue swirling mist and digital time-travel music)
Now for what really happened….
I first met Dylan at the 440 bar in late 2007 or early 2008. He was gogo dancing that night for the first time (though, at 20,  he technically wasn’t old enough to be in the bar). I could tell Dylan wasn’t a typical gogo dancer - he wasn’t being cheesy and working the crowd for tips, but just seemed to have a good time dancing. During one of his breaks, we started chatting and hit it off - enough for him to eventually scribble down his number and give it to me.
Now even though I was in an open relationship, I’ve made a personal rule about not calling guys who give me their numbers in bars. Given the context of the situation, Dylan’s age, and him being way out of my league, it never occurred to me that he’d actually want to just hang out as friends. That’s an error that I’ve regretted ever since.
Luckily, we NEXT met at our mutual friend’s party a few months later. I was overjoyed to reconnect with him, though my own insecurity still told me that there was no way a guy like Dylan would want to hang out with a dorky fat guy like me. (At the time, I drank like a fish and had the belly of a Beluga whale.) I don’t remember the alleged “beefy Asian guys” who were surrounding me, but I do remember Dylan.
We would continue to see each other through mutual friends here and there over the next couple of years. He was close friends with another mutual friend of ours, so I’d see them hanging out together or sometimes with one of his boyfriends. He always seemed to be living an awesome life, and I didn’t want to intrude on it, though I loved seeing him whenever I could. For example, I first encouraged Dylan to join our current gym, even though he thought he’d never be able to get any working out done because he’d be too “distracted” by the men around him.
Going to Provincetown for Bear Week had become a frequent destination for me, and one year I found out that Dylan would be going, too. We talked about it in advance, and he told me that he was going to be staying at a hostel. So I made sure that I gave him my number and invited him over to the house I was sharing with friends. I had asked some housemates if it would be okay if Dylan stayed on our couch instead of the hostel, but they weren’t comfortable with the idea. It wasn’t until one of the roommates left abruptly that I was able to offer an open room to Dylan. We hung out a lot that week and became better friends. At the end of the trip, I asked Dylan if we could hang out more in SF.
We stayed in contact during the next year, though we still didn’t hang out. Dylan had started dating an ex who didn’t really want Dylan having outside friends, and I decided to respect that. But that didn’t stop us from making plans for Provincetown the following year, where we shared a room and hung out pretty much the entire week. We became really good friends during this period, though we still didn’t get to hang out that much post-Ptown due to his ex.
When they broke up a few months before Dylan’s birthday trip to Cancun, Dylan invited me to join him. I had recently been laid off work and jumped at the chance to have a big friend-bonding experience in Mexico. One amazing time later and we’ve been best friends ever since.

A couple days ago, I wrote a post about how Chuck and I first met and befriended each other.  Chuck felt my version wasn’t very accurate and has sent me a rebuttal, which I’ve posted below:

Dear Noodles and Beef, 

Hi, this is your best friend, Chuck - long-time reader, first-time writer. I couldn’t help but notice that you posted a response to a recent question asking how we met. Naturally, I’m always honored to be included in some way on your blog. However, I feel like you may have inadvertently missed a few key details about our meeting and subsequent torrid friendship that I’d like to clear up.

(Cue swirling mist and digital time-travel music)

Now for what really happened….

I first met Dylan at the 440 bar in late 2007 or early 2008. He was gogo dancing that night for the first time (though, at 20,  he technically wasn’t old enough to be in the bar). I could tell Dylan wasn’t a typical gogo dancer - he wasn’t being cheesy and working the crowd for tips, but just seemed to have a good time dancing. During one of his breaks, we started chatting and hit it off - enough for him to eventually scribble down his number and give it to me.

Now even though I was in an open relationship, I’ve made a personal rule about not calling guys who give me their numbers in bars. Given the context of the situation, Dylan’s age, and him being way out of my league, it never occurred to me that he’d actually want to just hang out as friends. That’s an error that I’ve regretted ever since.

Luckily, we NEXT met at our mutual friend’s party a few months later. I was overjoyed to reconnect with him, though my own insecurity still told me that there was no way a guy like Dylan would want to hang out with a dorky fat guy like me. (At the time, I drank like a fish and had the belly of a Beluga whale.) I don’t remember the alleged “beefy Asian guys” who were surrounding me, but I do remember Dylan.

We would continue to see each other through mutual friends here and there over the next couple of years. He was close friends with another mutual friend of ours, so I’d see them hanging out together or sometimes with one of his boyfriends. He always seemed to be living an awesome life, and I didn’t want to intrude on it, though I loved seeing him whenever I could. For example, I first encouraged Dylan to join our current gym, even though he thought he’d never be able to get any working out done because he’d be too “distracted” by the men around him.

Going to Provincetown for Bear Week had become a frequent destination for me, and one year I found out that Dylan would be going, too. We talked about it in advance, and he told me that he was going to be staying at a hostel. So I made sure that I gave him my number and invited him over to the house I was sharing with friends. I had asked some housemates if it would be okay if Dylan stayed on our couch instead of the hostel, but they weren’t comfortable with the idea. It wasn’t until one of the roommates left abruptly that I was able to offer an open room to Dylan. We hung out a lot that week and became better friends. At the end of the trip, I asked Dylan if we could hang out more in SF.

We stayed in contact during the next year, though we still didn’t hang out. Dylan had started dating an ex who didn’t really want Dylan having outside friends, and I decided to respect that. But that didn’t stop us from making plans for Provincetown the following year, where we shared a room and hung out pretty much the entire week. We became really good friends during this period, though we still didn’t get to hang out that much post-Ptown due to his ex.

When they broke up a few months before Dylan’s birthday trip to Cancun, Dylan invited me to join him. I had recently been laid off work and jumped at the chance to have a big friend-bonding experience in Mexico. One amazing time later and we’ve been best friends ever since.

How did you and Chuck meet?
kazublaze

image

Thats me in the black dress shirt, thumbs out, being a dork.

I originally met Chuck on March 29th, 2008 at a birthday party; he was friends with the host who had hurriedly invited me over Bear411.  Recently single and eager to make gay friends, I took the train to SF wearing my nicest dress shirt (see above).

The party host quickly introduced me to everyone and thats when I met Chuck.  He was sandwiched between a few beefy asian guys, so its understandable he doesn’t remember 140-pound me meekly introducing myself.

image

My next interaction with Chuck was at the 440.  I was gogo dancing for charity, which took everything I was bad at and turned it into fund-raising: dancing, socializing, being at a bar.  (This photo is actually my second attempt at charitable gogo dancing a couple months later…don’t have any pics from the 440 that night).

I started talking up Chuck and I thought we had hit it off, so I gave him my contact info so we could hang out now that I lived in the city.

Chuck never contacted me, but we saw each other at mutual friends’ events so I tried to befriend him often.

Two years later, I went to ptown for the first time.  I got a room at the hostel with three other people and had no idea who I would run into or befriend at my first solo gay vacation.

Turns out Chuck was there with his beefy asian entourage.  I didn’t know anyone else so I hung around them a lot.  The last day of the trip, Chuck turned to me and said “You’re pretty cool, why don’t we hang out more in SF?”

I had been trying to befriend Chuck for, like, three years at this point.  So, I was like, “FINALLY.  YES.  LETS HANG OUT ALREADY.”  Chuck proceeds to ignore me for another 8 months.

For my 24th birthday, I booked a gay vacation in Cancun with my closest friend innerbear and my boyfriend at that time…so when I became single a month before Cancun, I offered Chuck my ex’s place.  

This was the vacation that we really connected as good friends.  After this trip, Chuck and I started hanging out on a regular basis.  Thats the very long history of how I met and befriended Chuck.

We get very attached to your friends and partners…we just want to know how to welcome lil’ pup to the family.

My step-mom asked me point blank about the nature of my relationship.  She explained she knows what the collars meant, what it meant that I didn’t wear one, if I had two “submissives.”  (She’s referring to my two pups).

We talked all night.  

They’re incredibly supportive and happy for me, but hope I don’t get offended that they don’t care to know about the kinky stuff.  I’m happy to keep that to myself.  Phew!

Mr beef where do you find good jockstraps?
brjefrco

image

The Noodles and Beef guide to jockstraps

Thanks for the question brjefrco.  As someone with big thighs, a big butt, and a lot of junk, traditional underwear leaves a lot to be desired.  Briefs make my legs fall asleep, boxers aren’t sexy looking, thongs are uncomfortable to wear all day.  Jockstraps are the answer.  They’re sexy and provide plenty of room for big butts and thighs.

There are a lot of different jocks out there.  Because of my proportions, I have unique needs and have become a jockstrap connoisseur; trying all jocks until I found the perfect, most flattering brand.

Here are my personal favourites for comfort and style:

image

Aussiebum WonderJock pro $15

Easily the best jockstrap I’ve ever owned.  90% of my underwear are Aussiebum jocks.  High quality, affordable, and plenty of package space.  Best of all?  There is a small pouch that hefts your junk outwards, making your package look even bigger.

★★★★★ 5/5 Buy it here →


image

DIESEL Jocky $9-$20

Extremely comfortable and a bit more stylish than the Aussiebum.  The smaller strap is more flattering under clothes (leaves a less obvious line).  However, make sure you hang dry when washing.  The elastic band curls under the heat of my dryer and I’ve already ruined a couple pairs by laundry negligence.

★★★★☆ 4/5 Buy it here →


image

Go Softwear Jockstrap $17

One of the first jockstraps I ever owned.  I have romantic memories trying it on at injeanious, Castro’s premier underwear store.  Its simple, uncomplicated, and provides ample package space.

★★★★☆ 4/5 Buy it here →


Honorable mention

2(x)ist Sliq Mesh Jockstrap $18

Very stylish, sexy, stretchy mesh.  Not a lot of package space, but the compromise is that the look good.

★★★☆ 3/5 Buy it here →

I have an analytics question for you. The primary topic of your blog seems to change based on different phases of your life. There have been periods focusing on lifting, creating the calendar, dieting, traveling, S&M and now your poly relationship. How have your readers responded to each topic (page views, visitors, time spent per visit, etc)? Which was the most/least popular?
Anonymous

To answer this question, I’ll be reviewing data from February 1st, 2013 to February 28th 2014.  I broke my analytics code in January, so there is some data missing (see the big dip in January).  Because my traffic has been growing so quickly, its hard to weigh “popular” types of posts outside of a one-year period.

Total unique visitors during this period:
24.3 million (noodlesandbeef.com only)

Top visited pages (33% of all traffic):

  1. noodlesandbeef.com
    This is not surprising. Its my homepage. 60% of visitors are return readers, they check my homepage for updates.
  2. noodlesandbeef.com/tagged/vanity
    Also not surprising. “Pics of me” is in the main navigation.
  3. noodlesandbeef.com/tagged/census
    My Gay Cliques Census drives a lot of traffic to my blog for people who want to read more about my research project.
  4. noodlesandbeef.com/post/15121342500/if-youd-like-to-generate-your-own-best-of-tumblr
    I made a simple tool that shows your most popular posts for the year.  It goes viral every New Years and drives insane traffic to my blog.
  5. Tag pages for videos, BDD, my butt, and gym advice
  6. noodlesandbeef.com/post/49341544854/can-you-explain-you-relationship
    I wrote a post explaining my D/s relationship with carnenchiladas. It went viral on Facebook and I have no idea why.
  7. noodlesandbeef.com/post/48870667100/how-do-you-make-your-bulge-pop-out-so-much-and-look
    I answered a question about making your package look bigger, and apparently thats all 16-year-old boys search for on google.  The post has been shared on teenager forums and gets surprising traffic.

Top posts by type (no order):

For all the pups, subs, and others who are interested (myself included).... how does one become a good pup or sub? (in this case, without a dom)
cornfedmusclepup

How do you become a good sub?

It’s easy if you have a Dom in your life. They’ll give you rules that provide structure and order for your life and rewards to reinforce good behavior. But, “good behavior”is relative; I like smooth butts, other Doms like them furry. You can’t prepare yourself for someone you haven’t even met yet.

You can prepare yourself by becoming the best person you can be.

Take a moment to visualize the perfect version of yourself. How do you look? Are you successful? Have you finished college? Do you live with your parents still? How do you act? Etc… write it down, make a mood board, whatever. This is your goal: to become the best version of yourself possible.

Every day you will work towards this perfect you. Every day you will be that much closer to catching the attention of your future boyfriend/Dom/Master/Sir/whatever. When you finally meet that special person you will be (at that moment) the best you can be.

A relationship is a huge investment of time, love, and energy. Make yourself worth it, and never settle for someone who doesn’t try as hard.

I've read about your issues with your friends and loneliness. After reading comments on your posts, it seems many people share your experiences, me included. I have friends, family and a long-term partner, but the loneliness sneaks up on me. What do you do to curb these feelings? I can guess it might be the gym or work maybe, but I'm wondering. I read your posts and look forward to the next new one, no matter the topic. For me, during my lonesome occasions, you feel like a friend. Thanks!
Anonymous

I come from a divorced family. My mom married four times, I’ve had three fathers leave, one step dad cut me out for being gay, my mom kicked me out for similar reasons.

I was an outcast in school and had no strong friendships. The friends I did have never invited me to their sleepovers or friend outings. My only childhood and teen friendships were online.

My attempts at making friends as a young gay adult were very difficult. Intercourse is the social ice breaker in San Francisco and I was too young, small, prudish, and “not bear enough” for anyone.

It’s no surprise I’m insecure about friendship; most of my platonic and family relationships have ended with abandonment.

I don’t know how to deal with these insecurities. I’ve never had such close, real friends before, I lack that fundamental social experience completely. So when I get insecure I kinda freak out and become worried I’ve overvalued out friendship or that I’m worthless, small, etc.

I wish I knew how to deal with these feelings. But, until then, I’m so grateful that my friends are patient with me. These are true friends.

Any suggestions would be great. Right now when I feel lonely or that my friends haven’t talked to me in a week I get sentimental looking at old photos. That kinda makes things worse because it makes me think I offended or pushed my friend away. Etc.

Ahhh. My life.

Obviously you are hung lol but how long and thick is your cock and how big are your balls?
Anonymous

I’ve written about my average sized cock before: its about the size of a Red Bull, slightly longer.

Never been asked about my balls before.

They’re slightly larger than average, like a pair of medium-sized lemons.  

You can sorta see them in this photo, and they’re on full display in my charity calendar, but I don’t really post direct pics of that stuff.

Seriously not my year for health. It turns out my heart had been beating incorrectly this whole time. So they’re going to shock it back into normal rhythm.
The nurses here are so sassy.
Apparently this is very common. They could’ve told me that before I freaked out.

Seriously not my year for health. It turns out my heart had been beating incorrectly this whole time. So they’re going to shock it back into normal rhythm.

The nurses here are so sassy.

Apparently this is very common. They could’ve told me that before I freaked out.

Do you think there is any way for a skinny 16 to get to a body like yours, what should I start with? Diets? Workouts? etc.? I'm sorry if you feel weird knowing a 16 year old is on your blog, but you are an inspiration to me and encourage me to be as strong as you and carefree! I Hate the way I look and am always teased. Overall, I'm just a follower looking for a way to be like the amazing Noods'n'Beef!
Anonymous

Dear anonymous gay youth,

While I am totally flattered you read my blog (thank you!) you should wait till you’re 18-years-old to enjoy my journal.  As a young adult, I use my blog like a journal to explore personal topics like graphic sexual experiences, performance enhancing drugs, and my experimental Pokemon phase.  These are things you aren’t allowed to know about till you turn 18-years-old.  Santa is your parents.

I can’t stop you from reading my blog, but please use your best judgement.

Alright.  Now that I’ve given my obligatory disclaimer to scare off young people, here’s my advice for a 16-year-old looking to bulk up:

  1. Identify the body type you want to have when you get older
  2. Find out what sport has athletes that match that body type
  3. Do that sport in high school.  Do it obsessively. Treat it like its going to sculpt your body for the rest of your life, because it will.  Whatever physical activity you do as a child sets the tempo for your body as an adult, making it easier or harder to get the body you want later in life.

I wish someone would have told me this when I was a kid.  I hated sports.  The only physical activity I did as a kid was ride my bike EVERYWHERE.  I believe its the primary reason why I have such an amazing butt.

If I could go back in time and only give myself one piece of vague advice specific to my body, it would be to play waterpolo in highschool.

Waterpolo players develop incredible barrel chests because their lungs grow to accommodate the intense oxygen needs of that sport.  Broad shoulders from treading water constantly.  The ridiculous caloric expenditure of treading water and exothermic loss of body heat trains the body to put on mass and weight like no other sport.  When waterpolo players stop training, they explode with size.  Swimming is the only thing keeping them small.

If you don't mind, could you go into a bit of detail of what you did after you got kicked out? I think I'm going to have to come out sometime in the next year or so (It is causing me quite a bit of depression). However, I think I might get disowned by my parents and find myself without a means to take care of myself let alone continue college; Im trying to plan out what I could do if I find myself in that position, so maybe someone else's experience will help me to do so. Thank you
Anonymous

I come from a divorced family (mom married four times).  Going back-and-forth between parents’ homes trained me to be quick to pack and live light.

The night I was kicked out, I packed the essentials and coordinated pickup by some online Internet friends who knew about my situation.

Do not do this. If you are kicked out, stay with someone you know in real life. Contact your local LGBT centre. Stay at a homeless shelter. Don’t accept an offer to stay with people you don’t know four-hours from the nearest city deep in the mountains with spotty dial-up internet.

I had no choice.  WIthout any real-life friends to lean on, I was forced to take the chance.  While it was never demanded of me, it was heavily implied I would be homeless if I didn’t reciprocate in some way.  I used to feel very ashamed, but I realise now I did what I had to do in order to survive.

After a couple weeks, I found a studio in my hometown.  Technically, it was a garage without a bathroom, but better than what I was doing.

My luck continued, and I got a job at a local print shop doing production design.  Later that month I joined my first gym and started my new life.

I had money from scholarships and (because I was no longer a dependant) qualified for a lot of federal help at 18 with my minimum wage job.  Working full time, I went to a local community college to earn my Associates Degree.

Getting disowned or kicked out is a very real problem.  It sucks short-term, but is so worth it in the long run.  I am unable to assess your situation, but use your best judgement.

We love you, you are so welcomed here. You know we as gay people we get to choose our family. We get to choose the people we’re around. I am your family, we are family here. I love you. —Rupaul

Crying while citing this quote, it means so much to me.

Not everyone is blessed with accepting parents, but in the past couple years I have met incredible people; my best friend Chuck, Phil, my pup, Jack, Kris, all the wonderful people who put up with my antics…  They are my family. I am surrounded by love.  Love that I never had growing up.  I would rather have this life than live by the dogma of people who want nothing to do with me now.

Edit: make sure you are removed from any joint accounts with your parents should they disown you. My mom cashed out my college savings account and left me with the tax burden of liquidating those funds without documented cost-basis.  It has taken me 8-years to pay off this debt to the IRS.

Presenting the long overdue follow-up to my original Gay Cliques Census infographic: The Geography of Gay Cliques.
When I filter survey responses by geographic region, all sorts of interesting things happen.  We see what cities have the most bottoms (Santa Clara, California), where in the world Twinks are most popular (Canberra and New York), and more.
Just like my previous infographic, I’ve started collecting new dimensions of data and will reveal additional sections as information becomes available.
Please let me know what you think (and tell me if you encounter any bugs!)
http://studiomoh.com/fun/census/geography.php

Presenting the long overdue follow-up to my original Gay Cliques Census infographic: The Geography of Gay Cliques.

When I filter survey responses by geographic region, all sorts of interesting things happen.  We see what cities have the most bottoms (Santa Clara, California), where in the world Twinks are most popular (Canberra and New York), and more.

Just like my previous infographic, I’ve started collecting new dimensions of data and will reveal additional sections as information becomes available.

Please let me know what you think (and tell me if you encounter any bugs!)

http://studiomoh.com/fun/census/geography.php

Another year at Dore Alley, another photo for my progress montage.
Current Stats:
Arms: 19” (+1” from last year)
Chest: 50”
Thighs: 28”
Rump: 45” (+2” from last year)
Calves: 18.5” (+.5” from last year)
Neck: 20” (+1” from last year)
Forearms: 14.5”
I have been cutting…so I’m not the biggest I’ve been this year, but I’m more defined, and it certainly makes me look bigger.  And I feel better about myself.

Another year at Dore Alley, another photo for my progress montage.

Current Stats:

  • Arms: 19” (+1” from last year)
  • Chest: 50”
  • Thighs: 28”
  • Rump: 45” (+2” from last year)
  • Calves: 18.5” (+.5” from last year)
  • Neck: 20” (+1” from last year)
  • Forearms: 14.5”

I have been cutting…so I’m not the biggest I’ve been this year, but I’m more defined, and it certainly makes me look bigger.  And I feel better about myself.


Hold on there, this is important.

Hi, I'm Noodles and Beef and welcome to my blog. How are you? Your hair looks great today. What's your secret? I think its important we get to know each other a little bit before you continue.

I've been updating this blog for over 13-years to help me remember and better appreciate my life experiences. I blog for my own benefit, so the content can be extremely personal and sometimes that makes people uncomfortable.

We just met, so I'm not sure what makes you uncomfortable.

Thats why you need to be at least 18-years-old to continue...and if it makes you uncomfortable, just stop reading my blog, okay?


I agree