Posts tagged bdd
Yesterday Tony was feeling down about his workout progress. It’s always up to me to lift his spirits up and remind him that he is indeed doing well. When I have those moments though, I usually keep it to myself. I know he would do the same for me; it’s just I feel like it would be how when a skinny girl goes “ugh I’m such a whale” to her fat friend (not a literal metaphor). I know Tony thinks I’m silly when I say I’m not happy yet with where I’m at with my body, but it can’t be helped sometimes. The last thing I would like to do is make him question his progress when I know he looks up to me.
Earlier today I was having one of those moments. I feel I should be further along or bigger by now and that I could be doing way better in terms of nutrition and getting rest. But flipping through my older pics it helps me realize that I have had progress since then. It’s slow and steady, but progress.
This October will make two years since we started lifting.Just some baby stuffs that I was pondering over while listening in on a company conference call.
I’ve seen “Before” photos of both you guys, and the progress you’ve made is inspiring!
I barely remember my first few years of working out, despite my spreadsheets indicating thats when I made the most progress. No matter how much effort I put into my body, I never felt happy with the results.
120lbs later, I’m the biggest I’ve ever been, but I still am unhappy with my results. My reflection is still the skinny, dirt-skinned twink that started lifting 7 years ago…even though I am nearly twice the size I was when I started.
This is easier said than done, but it’s important to work on your self-perception as well. Love yourself, learn to accept compliments, remind yourself the parts of your body you love daily, and enjoy the positive affirmations people send you online.
Y’all are very beautiful folks, even before you started your fitness journey.
Anonymous
Yes, actually. In a surprisingly positive way.
When we were first dating, working out with Dan was very difficult. He’s much bigger than I am, has better proportions, handsome face, amazing smell…anyway. It was very difficult. I would compare our reflections and it would make me feel so, so small. I had a couple small breakdowns doing arms with Dan.
But when Dan hit his subspace, our exchanges made me realize that he loved me so much he saw no flaws with me. In that moment all my insecurities disappeared with him. When I’m with Dan I don’t care about how small I feel. It’s very nice.
This D/s relationship is a little weird, but it makes me so happy.
truenorthstrongfree
- Me at 140lbs: “My goal is 180lbs, then I can stop and finally be happy.”
- Me at 180lbs: “My goal is 200lbs, thats another inch on my arms and then maybe I’ll be happy!”
- Me at 200lbs: “My goal is 230lbs, then I’ll be the average weight of a Muscle Bear and someone will love me…or maybe I’ll love me!”
- Me at 230lbs: “My goal is 260lbs, then I’ll finally fit into that XXL tshirt I’ve wanted to wear since I was 140lbs.”
I keep expecting to see some magical change in my reflection as I gain weight and grow…but I’m still the same skinny guy as I was six years ago. So the goal keeps growing in pace with me, always out of reach.
I will probably continue to push the goal bigger and bigger until:
- I can overcome my Body Dysmorphia
- Or I harm myself in pursuit of my goals (eg, steroids, plastic surgery, funny third thing)
I might already be “harming” myself trying to get bigger. Since I’ve hit 240lbs, I’ve noticed some weird health things that will probably get worse as I get bigger:
- I’m getting sleep apnea. My doctor has scheduled a sleep study for January, but thinks I already should budget for a CPAP machine.
- I have been getting horrible acid reflux from forcing myself to eat all the time. This makes my asthma worse somehow.
- To prevent calorie deficit, I’ve reduced my cardio while bulking. My family has history of heart disease, and my doctor has expressed concern that gaining weight would put stress on my heart.
I have successfully recreated the lighting environment of DIESEL’s dressing rooms in my bedroom. It makes my arms look huge.
But, seriously, being able to look at my reflection and not feel so skinny is really nice. I should’ve done this lighting strategy and mirror mount years ago.
Dear Journal,
Today was horrible.
I was doing so good with my BDD that I had (incorrectly) projected being “over it” in a year or two. Boy was I wrong.
I had a complete breakdown today and ended up stuttering, choking up, and crying in front of my boss. All during a personal review where I was trying to make a case for new responsibilities. He made an offhand remark about my size and the presence I lacked, and I just lost it. So incredibly embarrassing.
Definitely time to go back to therapy.
Anonymous
It started three years ago as a daily-self-portrait project, inspired by Woofer’s famous 365 series. Besides helping me journal and learn to appreciate each day, the project has helped me grow as a photographer.
My therapist suggested I use the project to help me with my body dysmorphia. By posting flattering photos of myself, I gain a better appreciation of my own body, and the positive comments I receive have helped me overcome a lot of body anxiety in the past couple years.
It’s no substitute for therapy (I should really go back someday), but I know other folks with BDD have had similar success using serial self-portrait projects.
aslanravenclaw
Actually, if I can get to 260lbs next year I’ll be a Bull. I’m on the absolute cusp of the lower-end of a Bull’s physical stats, but I’ll start calling myself that anyways. :D
I’m sure that I will always have some degree of BDD, but the intensity and frequency of attacks have been diminishing over the past two years. I wonder if this is because of all the positive reinforcement I’ve been getting from my blog, my therapy exercises, actual progress I’ve been making, or a combination of everything.
jamdoy
Yes, I’ve recieved a lot of negative comments from friends, family, and even boyfriends who felt my body needed to go in a different direction.
My mom is always telling me to stop trying to get bigger. I realize she’s commenting out of a place of love, but she doesn’t know how unhappy I am with being so small. I’ve tried explaining my position and diagnosis, but she still thinks I’m getting too big. (Nonsense).
I’ve had plenty of people on my blog telling me I’m getting too chubby, or m belly isn’t big enough, or that I’ll never be big enough so I should just give up. (More nonsense).
One of my exes told me (while we were in a relationship) that he liked me skinnier. When I explained how much happier I was at 240lbs, he started making jabs about how chubby my face had become, or grabbing my midsection to make me self-conscious of how I had grown.
The only person’s opinion that matters about your body is your own. So workout or diet to make yourself happy. If you’re happy, thats awesome. Hopefully your friends and family will see you happy and appreciate you for you. If they don’t, they’re probably assholes.
I had a BDD attack last month while in Ptown and I cried while my friend Chuck calmed me down. I was ashamed that he saw me in such a moment of weakness, but he handled it expertly and with his help it ended up being a minor attack. Phew!
Anonymous
I’ve written about what it was liked to be raised by nudists a few months ago…but, they never really acknowledged it was a “different” thing. They just did a lot of stuff without clothes, and we would hang out naked with friends and neighbors. That was my normal growing up.
This wasn’t a special thing. Nobody made a big deal about being naked, they just got naked and went about their day. As such, they never encouraged me to be proud of my body or flaunt it, just that sometimes you didn’t wear clothes…and I would follow the example my parents and friends set.
I think it has made me much more comfortable to be naked (or wear very little clothing), but hasn’t had any effect on my BDD. You can be comfortable naked and unhappy with your body; the two aren’t mutually exclusive.
stupidgit
Ah. You might be onto something.
I have my unrealistic fantasy man, but I don’t really date according to that. Southern Powerlifter-sized Redheaded Bottoms who are into me just don’t exist.
Do my unrealistic fantasies impact how I view myself? Probably a lot.
Anonymous
My Google Search History says I first looked up “Body Dysmorphia” in 2008. I don’t remember the events that led up to this googling, but I do remember my ex Royce trying to explain that I had Body Dysmorphia. After his “diagnosis,” I asked my friends and they all seemed to agree that I had horrible self-esteem and poor body image.
It wasn’t until mid-2010 that I was officially diagnosed.
I was originally seeing my psychologist because my then-boyfriend had required I “seek help” because of my stance on our serodiscordant relationship…annnnnnd after a few sessions, and a breakup, we shifted focus from my non-issue relationship problem, to my self-esteem issue. This was much more interesting to my psych, and later he diagnosed it as BDD.
I had a difficult time understanding it was something as grandiose as Body Dysmorphia, but the more I researched, the more I looked like a classic case.
Anonymous
No, I was bigger when I was younger. Yes, I was even skinnier when I was younger. I’ve gained about 100lbs since I started working out when I turned 18.
Here’s my progress from 2008 to 2011:
And here’s a comparison of me at 140lbs VS 230lbs:
Anonymous
Sure am. Feel free to ask me any questions about BDD.
You can also read my older posts about BDD here.
From my answer to What does it feel like to have Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)? on Quora
When a normal person looks at their reflection, they see themselves.
When someone with Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) looks at their reflection, they cannot see themselves because they’re so preoccupied obsessing over their perceived flaws.
I have a unique type of BDD where I see myself as much smaller and skinnier than I actually am. (Sometimes called Muscle dysmorphia or bigorexia, this is opposite of the more common form anorexia where a skinny person sees themselves as much larger or fatter). Regardless, the symptoms and phobias are very similar:
- I spend mornings avoiding my reflection because I wake up feeling “smaller;” the sight of my deflated figure can ruin the rest of my day, sending me into a depressive spiral obsessing over my many defects.
- I am extremely insecure about my physical appearance and am always seeking outside input to reassure myself that I’m not as “small” as I think I am. The extremes at which I seek validation have labeled me as a narcissistic exhibitionist by folks who don’t know about my diagnosis.
- I have a lot of trouble accepting compliments because I feel like people are lying to me. I’m still grappling with the concept that I’m attractive to some people because I don’t feel attractive at all.
- I belong to three different gyms and spend nearly half my paycheck on supplements, food, and anything that might help me escape being so skinny.
- I avoid going out and socializing because I might stay up too late and if I don’t get enough sleep I won’t be able to recover from workouts.
I’ve made considerable progress in the past couple years through therapy and reinforcing positive self-image. I’ve had the most success with a daily self-portrait project that helps me appreciate the parts of my body I’m happy with.
Nevertheless, my coping mechanisms aren’t a cure, and occasionally I’ll have a BDD attack and breakdown in depression.
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