I don’t think that’s the technical term for it. But, yes, I have that.
I’ve written a lot about my experience with BDD, you can read about it here. But it’s kind of a downer subject and I already lost a reader today from posting about it. So let’s talk about jockstraps instead.
My research says I won’t be big enough to be a Bull till I’m at least 280lbs. So, about 40lbs to grow!
Until then, I see myself as a scrawny kid, so that’s how I draw myself.
Dude, Anonymous, I totally agree.
But it’s a hot topic on this blog and folks are very curious and keep asking about it so it’s hard not to talk about it. I’m going to make a FAQ soon because I’m starting to answer the same questions over and over again.
It’s common that folks with BDD are also (paradoxically) exhibitionists. As Wikipedia and my therapist explained it, this is a form of validation. Folks with BDD are extremely insecure and are always seeking outside input to reassure themselves on whatever their perceived deficit is.
This is certainly true for me.
If it’s safe for you, I highly recommend coming out.
If it’s not safe (homophobic parents, anti-gay county, etc), then maybe go somewhere that you’re appreciated. Like, any state that has legalized Gay Marriage. There are a couple of them.
Last week “The Cubby House” (a radio show on Australian gay radio station 94.9FM) interviewed me about my body dysmorphia and what it means “to be big.” It’s a good show, and it’s interesting hearing the similarities between Jim (a gainer they interviewed) and myself.
My segment is pretty well edited, but I think I need to expand on the “therapy” piece.
Wikipedia indicates therapy as a possible treatment…so I had seen a therapist for my BDD, but stopped after a couple sessions because I felt it wasn’t helping much. I had the most success “treating” my BDD by coming out about it. And spending one night hallucinating from Psilocybin Mushrooms. (Yes, Shrooms).
There’s been a resurgence of psychiatrists using psychoactive drugs to treat difficult problems. For me, it was the most therapeutic ”trip” of my life.
I won’t get into detail of my 8-hour spirit journey (laugh if you must, there’s really no other word to describe what happened), but the most noticeable effect was that it turned off my preconceptions. Its like I was seeing everything for the first time. And that included my reflection. I was looking in my reflection and I saw what I think everyone else sees.
For the first time, I was not unhappy with how I looked. I knew it was me, and I was fine with how I looked. I couldn’t stop crying. And then I met a badger and he took me back in time to go abalone hunting with my Dad.
Of course, 8 hours later, the effects wore off and my reflection was “me” again. But I cling to the memory of what I looked like, and try to put myself into that mind state of seeing myself without prejudice.
I highly recommend this “therapy” to folks with body image issues. Just make sure it’s legal in your state and you’re in a safe place.
My primary motivation is that I get really, really depressed when I miss a meal or workout because of my BDD. Most of my gym and diet info is from my bodybuilding step dad or previous boyfriends who were total gym heads. I supplement whatever they taught me by reading Mens Health.
And a one-time COLT model back when it was a “Fitness Magazine” run by Jim French. And a nudist. But that’s not why I have BDD. I was collecting bodybuilding magazines and hating my body before he met mom.
megatakesatumble asked:
If this isn’t too personal, are you really diagnosed with Body Dysmorphia? How is it? How do you see yourself in the mirror all the time?
I am, and it sucks, but I’ve learned to cope through distraction. I see myself as a very skinny and undesirable version of “me.” All my flaws seem to be the focus…if that makes any sense.
BDD is often misunderstood as a vanity-driven obsession, whereas it is quite the opposite; people with BDD do not believe themselves to be better looking than others, but instead feel that their perceived “defect” is irrevocably ugly or not good enough.
A lot of folks think I’m conceited and confuse my avoidant personality for being aloof and arrogant.
Yes, I have BDD. It’s something I’m working on.
Thank you~
I’m certainly not in control of my BDD, but I have made huge strides in the last year. I’m working on a blog post detailing what has worked for me and what has not for folks that aren’t able/willing to seek out professional help.
Looking back on my comments on NoodlesandBeef
I was probably unfair, I’m basing a lot of my opinions on him on second-hand stories from other people; I’ve had the same things happen to myself and I didn’t like it, so I’m sorry, Dylan.
It’s okay. You get a thick skin on this internet thing.
But the stories about me having body dysmorphia are actually true. I have very poor self-esteem and get really depressed because I’m unhappy with my body. Part of the therapy is owning my problem and being open about it…and it kind of helps.
