Soooo u have bigorexia?
Anonymous

I don’t think that’s the technical term for it.  But, yes, I have that.

I’ve written a lot about my experience with BDD, you can read about it here.  But it’s kind of a downer subject and I already lost a reader today from posting about it.  So let’s talk about jockstraps instead.

Why do u always draw urself in ur comics as a scrawny kid? You're literally the size of a ox
Anonymous

My research says I won’t be big enough to be a Bull till I’m at least 280lbs. So, about 40lbs to grow!

Until then, I see myself as a scrawny kid, so that’s how I draw myself.

don't hide behind bdd
Anonymous

Dude, Anonymous, I totally agree.  

But it’s a hot topic on this blog and folks are very curious and keep asking about it so it’s hard not to talk about it.  I’m going to make a FAQ soon because I’m starting to answer the same questions over and over again.

With all due respect, you're really hot and people seem to tell you that on your blog all the time. How could you still be insecure about your body? I could see if people were really cruel to you all the time, then I would understand, but it seems that all of the comments on here are resoundingly positive (sorry if I sound like a dumb jerk). By the way, I'm in the closet and I'm thinking about coming out. I know that I don't know you but your life seems full and content from this side of the screen so I was hoping you or your boyfriend could give me some advice seeing as how you're both out. And do you think living in San Francisco helps. I live in the Midwest and I've always thought that it would help me feel more comfortable if I lived in a more liberal area with a higher gay population.
Anonymous

It’s common that folks with BDD are also (paradoxically) exhibitionists.  As Wikipedia and my therapist explained it, this is a form of validation.  Folks with BDD are extremely insecure and are always seeking outside input to reassure themselves on whatever their perceived deficit is.

This is certainly true for me.

If it’s safe for you, I highly recommend coming out.

If it’s not safe (homophobic parents, anti-gay county, etc), then maybe go somewhere that you’re appreciated.  Like, any state that has legalized Gay Marriage.  There are a couple of them.

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

Last week “The Cubby House” (a radio show on Australian gay radio station 94.9FM) interviewed me about my body dysmorphia and what it means “to be big.”  It’s a good show, and it’s interesting hearing the similarities between Jim (a gainer they interviewed) and myself.

My segment is pretty well edited, but I think I need to expand on the “therapy” piece.

Wikipedia indicates therapy as a possible treatment…so I had seen a therapist for my BDD, but stopped after a couple sessions because I felt it wasn’t helping much.  I had the most success “treating” my BDD by coming out about it.  And spending one night hallucinating from Psilocybin Mushrooms.  (Yes, Shrooms).

There’s been a resurgence of psychiatrists using psychoactive drugs to treat difficult problems.  For me, it was the most therapeutic ”trip” of my life.

I won’t get into detail of my 8-hour spirit journey (laugh if you must, there’s really no other word to describe what happened), but the most noticeable effect was that it turned off my preconceptions.  Its like I was seeing everything for the first time.  And that included my reflection.  I was looking in my reflection and I saw what I think everyone else sees.  

For the first time, I was not unhappy with how I looked.  I knew it was me, and I was fine with how I looked.  I couldn’t stop crying.  And then I met a badger and he took me back in time to go abalone hunting with my Dad.

Of course, 8 hours later, the effects wore off and my reflection was “me” again.  But I cling to the memory of what I looked like, and try to put myself into that mind state of seeing myself without prejudice.

I highly recommend this “therapy” to folks with body image issues.  Just make sure it’s legal in your state and you’re in a safe place.

Hello :) So, Im sure you know this but you have and awesome gym body. Anyway I just recently got really into working out, I was wondering what keeps you motivated and where you go for resources and more information? Hope your having a great day ^_^
lunaki

My primary motivation is that I get really, really depressed when I miss a meal or workout because of my BDD.  Most of my gym and diet info is from my bodybuilding step dad or previous boyfriends who were total gym heads.  I supplement whatever they taught me by reading Mens Health.

Your step-dad was a bodybuilder? I'm no shrink or anything, but I think we hit the body-dysmorphia nail on it's ridiculous head.
Anonymous

And a one-time COLT model back when it was a “Fitness Magazine” run by Jim French.  And a nudist.  But that’s not why I have BDD.  I was collecting bodybuilding magazines and hating my body before he met mom.

megatakesatumble asked: If this isn’t too personal, are you really diagnosed with Body Dysmorphia? How is it? How do you see yourself in the mirror all the time? I am, and it sucks, but I’ve learned to cope through distraction.  I see myself as a very skinny and undesirable version of “me.”  All my flaws seem to be the focus…if that makes any sense.

megatakesatumble asked:

If this isn’t too personal, are you really diagnosed with Body Dysmorphia? How is it? How do you see yourself in the mirror all the time?

I am, and it sucks, but I’ve learned to cope through distraction.  I see myself as a very skinny and undesirable version of “me.”  All my flaws seem to be the focus…if that makes any sense.

Super self absorbed.
Anonymous

BDD is often misunderstood as a vanity-driven obsession, whereas it is quite the opposite; people with BDD do not believe themselves to be better looking than others, but instead feel that their perceived “defect” is irrevocably ugly or not good enough. 

A lot of folks think I’m conceited and confuse my avoidant personality for being aloof and arrogant.

i always assumed you really did have BDI from how you talk about yourself. dirt skinned mutt? hardly.
Anonymous

Yes, I have BDD.  It’s something I’m working on.

I assume that you're very sweet and smart, slightly geeky, and not in complete control of your sickness. I say that last part because I think you are an 11 on a scale of 1-10 and you're still not convinced. =(
nickthegeekbear

Thank you~

I’m certainly not in control of my BDD, but I have made huge strides in the last year.  I’m working on a blog post detailing what has worked for me and what has not for folks that aren’t able/willing to seek out professional help.

Looking back on my comments on NoodlesandBeef

honey-pot:

I was probably unfair, I’m basing a lot of my opinions on him on second-hand stories from other people; I’ve had the same things happen to myself and I didn’t like it, so I’m sorry, Dylan.

It’s okay. You get a thick skin on this internet thing.

But the stories about me having body dysmorphia are actually true.  I have very poor self-esteem and get really depressed because I’m unhappy with my body.  Part of the therapy is owning my problem and being open about it…and it kind of helps.