Last week “The Cubby House” (a radio show on Australian gay radio station 94.9FM) interviewed me about my body dysmorphia and what it means “to be big.” It’s a good show, and it’s interesting hearing the similarities between Jim (a gainer they interviewed) and myself.
My segment is pretty well edited, but I think I need to expand on the “therapy” piece.
Wikipedia indicates therapy as a possible treatment…so I had seen a therapist for my BDD, but stopped after a couple sessions because I felt it wasn’t helping much. I had the most success “treating” my BDD by coming out about it. And spending one night hallucinating from Psilocybin Mushrooms. (Yes, Shrooms).
There’s been a resurgence of psychiatrists using psychoactive drugs to treat difficult problems. For me, it was the most therapeutic ”trip” of my life.
I won’t get into detail of my 8-hour spirit journey (laugh if you must, there’s really no other word to describe what happened), but the most noticeable effect was that it turned off my preconceptions. Its like I was seeing everything for the first time. And that included my reflection. I was looking in my reflection and I saw what I think everyone else sees.
For the first time, I was not unhappy with how I looked. I knew it was me, and I was fine with how I looked. I couldn’t stop crying. And then I met a badger and he took me back in time to go abalone hunting with my Dad.
Of course, 8 hours later, the effects wore off and my reflection was “me” again. But I cling to the memory of what I looked like, and try to put myself into that mind state of seeing myself without prejudice.
I highly recommend this “therapy” to folks with body image issues. Just make sure it’s legal in your state and you’re in a safe place.
