I can’t sleep. Need to get these thoughts off my chest. Sorry for rambling unstructured post that follows.

Let’s talk love.

I am a very physical person–kissing, public displays of affection, sex, rough housing–it’s the primary way I show and express my love.

Unfortunately, not everyone communicates or can understand love as something physical. It’s like love is a language.

Or, rather, there are five “love languages”: gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion), and physical touch (intimacy).

My pups use different languages to communicate their love to me, which can be difficult when I only understand love as a form of intimacy. I’m left feeling unloved because I don’t understand them. I get very depressed and worried when we don’t have intimate time because I think they’re falling out of love with me.

Meanwhile, they do so much to express love in their way. Giving gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation. It’s lost on me…But in recognizing that they express love differently, I am starting to see it.

….

I like this concept of different languages for love. I feel like it explains my difficulty with casual sex or hookups.

Most gay guys can just have sex with anyone. A couple people I’m close to are like that, and I could never understand why it hurt me that they would hook up. Of course I was jealous, I can’t even get hard without a romantic connection, but I now believe it hurt because sex == love for me. I perceived it as emotional infidelity.

They show me love in a different way that’s significant to them: service. Sex is just sex, a way to make friends, pass time, or make you feel better about yourself.

I’m trying to learn these other languages of love so I can appreciate them. So I don’t get jealous because I get love in other, non physical ways.

Ugh. It’s a tough pill to swallow. I’m trying to convince myself I can see and appreciate these other forms of love…But I need intimacy. I need hugs, gropes, kisses, sex, cuddles…

I’ve been trying to encourage him to be more intimate, but it’s not going so well.

Maybe the reason I get jealous about folks who hookup is because I’m not getting enough intimacy myself.

Hmm.