Tank and I tried reconnecting last week. I don’t have a very strong sense of security with him. He’s betrayed my trust and hurt me very badly…but, I can’t deny that I still love him very much, and his recent gesture of wanting a clean slate was very helpful.
We’ve met a couple times to talk and figure things out.
My therapist is encouraging some boundaries, which I’m calling “tank portion control.” What this means is he needs to be honest and respectful and I’m limiting our time together until we can have a couples’ therapy session. Our first session isn’t until September, so he’s been working hard to show he can be trusted, that he respects and values me.
Tank is doing a good job…but, I am still fearful of past behaviour.
Solo-therapy has been very enlightening.
As a child, I was raised between multiple divorced families, never lived in the same place for more than a year, and changed schools a few times. My normal was constant change and instability. Parental figures were my blueprint for how love and affection worked, but they never stayed in my life very long. I would work very hard to earn their attention and affection when I sensed they were on their way out, then blamed myself when they left. This wasn’t sustainable, and I attempted suicide a couple times in highschool from my percieved deficiencies.
As an adult, I’m attracted to this same instability. It still isn’t sustainable.
I don’t think this is healthy. Recognizing the pattern in therapy is how I’ll break free of it. I just gotta keep to my boundaries. No compromising. *deep breath*